Real estate advertising buzzwords

Real estate agents: Now that you have completed the course on writing ads that make ordinary homes sound as desirable as Mar-a-Lago, here’s your final exam. Write a sentence using each of the following words or phrases to make home hunters reading your ad salivate over your most recent listing. You have ten minutes. Good luck.

NESTLED

This home is nestled between the train tracks and a wastewater treatment plant.

THE PRIVACY YOU DESERVE

The basement is soundproof so neighbors won’t hear the screams of your victims, giving you the privacy you deserve.

CHEF’S KITCHEN

Imagine the gourmet meals you’ll make in this true chef’s kitchen, designed and built by a Waffle House cook.

SPA-LIKE

A spa has hot and cold running water and so does this bathroom, which makes it spa-like.

CURATED

Your every activity will be curated — garbage pick-up at 7 a.m. Tuesdays, recycling at 8 a.m. Fridays, and a whistle at 4 a.m. every morning to signal the shift change at the factory next door.

NEAR RESTAURANTS, SHOPPING AND NIGHTLIFE

Proximity to Phat Phuc Chinese takeaway, Louie’s Pawn Shop and the corner where well-dressed young women congregate after midnight puts you near restaurants, shopping and nightlife.

RETREAT

There’s a retreat under the stairs where you can hide from home invaders.

EUROPEAN

Men, European in the urinal of this former service station but squatters have rights too, so tell the missus not to worry — there’s also a toilet and the seller will include a new seat to replace the one that’s missing.

SERENITY

Serenity will be yours when you discover the Xanax the previous tenant left in the medicine cabinet.

PRISTINE

This place is pristine, untouched since 1955.

TOP-RATED SCHOOLS

Angel’s PIt Bull Training Academy down the street earned several four-star reviews on Yelp, placing it among the top-rated schools of its type.

CHERISH

Once you see this listing, you’ll cherish your current home more than ever.