Please don’t move to Florida
I’ve written this blog for 14 years. My most recent post, which featured an AI-generated song about my hard-to-pronounce hometown, was my most widely-read post ever. Thanks to long-time readers who shared it, it’s has been heard by thousands of people in the USA, Ireland, Canada, Germany ,China and Australia, and that makes me happy. Thank you.
So I’ve created another song — one that’s altogether different. This one addresses Florida’s immigration problem. As you know, thousands of northerners have already moved to the Sunshine State, to escape their states’ wintry weather, high taxes and left-wing politicians, and many more are threatening to do the same..
I want these would-be Floridians to stay the hell away. If you’re a northerner who wants a vacation? Sure, come on down. Then go back home. You want to move here? Don’t even think about it. Unlike the miserable state you are desperate to flee, Florida actually works. A massive influx of new residents threatens to overwhelm our highways, schools, hospitals and social service resources, and send housing costs, which exploded during the pandemic but have subsided somewhat, back into the stratosphere.
“Please Don’t Move to Florida” was written as a public service to warn northerners of a few of the many, many dangers they’ll face in Florida, and (hopefully) scare them away. I co-wrote it with my personal assistant, Google Gemini AI.. Once the lyrics were finished, I instructed my musical AI, suno.com, to compose and orchestrate the music in the style of a 1950s upbeat, bouncy tv commercial jingle, sung by a female. Within minutes, I had two versions. The one below is my favorite.
Enjoy … and please share this post with your friends. It was gratifying to see how many people listened to my first-ever song. I hope this one is an even bigger hit, and that it makes you smile. Maybe even laugh. To hear it, click, the arrow below. And if you want to sing along, the lyrics appear directly under the arrow.
Please Don’t Move To Florida
[Verse 1]
Have your northern politicians and high taxes got you down?
Has all that ice and snow resulted in a frozen frown?
You hear ‘bout neighbors moving to a distant, warmer place,
To escape the winter weather in the sunny Sunshine State!
[Verse 2]
It’s true that folks in Florida don’t pay an income tax,
And the beauty of our beaches will stop you in your tracks.
We vote conservative and crazy leftists know the way,
To avoid our sunny paradise and to mostly stay away!
[Chorus]
But please don’t move to Florida, you’ll hate it here, you’ll see.
From the pythons in our Everglades to sharks in Florida’s Keys.
There’s danger lurking everywhere, you’ll wish you had have known,
The perils of this humid hell you’ll hate to call your home!
[Verse 3]
In every lake and river there’s a pair of yellow eyes,
A gator's waiting to devour your pale white Yankee thighs!
And don’t go near our beaches when the Red Tide starts to roll,
The dead fish wash up stinking like a clogged-up toilet bowl!
[Verse 4]
You’re tired of shoveling snow and think it's such a terrible pain?
Well, blizzards are a joke compared to Florida’s hurricanes!
The season lasts for six months—that is fully half a year,
A long, long time for you and yours to live in constant fear!
[Chorus]
So please don’t move to Florida, you’ll hate it here, you’ll see.
From the pythons in our Everglades to sharks in Florida’s Keys.
There’s danger lurking everywhere, you’ll wish you had have known,
The perils of this humid hell you’ll hate to call your home!
[Verse 5]
Then giant flying cockroaches come out to play at night,
They’ll scare you shitless—but fear not, they hardly ever bite!
The skies turn black and purple when the big tornadoes spin,
The roof flies off the rafters and the rain comes pouring in!
[Verse 6]
Tickets to our theme parks cost so much they’ll make you cry,
You’ll wait in lines for hours while mosquitoes suck you dry!
Housing is expensive, so is food and booze and gas,
Insurance costs will bankrupt you and knock you on your ass!
[Chorus]
So please don’t move to Florida, you’ll hate it here, you’ll see.
From the pythons in our Everglades to sharks in Florida’s Keys.
There’s danger lurking everywhere, you’ll wish you had have known,
The perils of this humid hell you’ll hate to call your home!
[Outro]
The perils of this humid hell you’ll hate... to call... your home!
